A few weeks ago, I was pulled in to a five-minute meeting. An e-mail popped up on my computer and the subject line read ‘Can I see you for five minutes?’ – no body. I’ve learned by now that five minute meetings mean a bomb is about to be dropped.
I remember when I first started working here; I was so intimidated by everything and everyone that I just kept quiet. I chained myself to my desk because honestly, moving about gave me anxiety.
After over two years, the scum of insecurity has all but disappeared and I’ve gained credibility and respect. I’ve gained a lot with other people, but more so with myself. I’ve shaken off so much of the quivering that used to consume me. It still rears its head every so often but I have more good days than bad now. I can speak up, I have opinions, I can lead, I’m still a people pleaser at heart but I’m learning to make the tough choices between what is right and what is popular.
I got a promotion, then another and finally gained a coveted title. Things felt stable for the first time in months, I was comfortable, I felt valued and trusted, excited even for things to come in my new position.
Then I was pulled in to a five-minute meeting.
It was an offer for a different position, a structural demotion, honestly. A job that would guarantee that life, as I knew it would surely get more complicated.
I like sparkly and new and my gut said go for it… it’s, well, gutsy!
Thus, I was thrust back in to conflict mode. Honestly, if you want to make me crazy just present me with two excellent choices that would guarantee drastically different results. I will dissolve almost instantaneously in to a ball of anxiety and self-absorption.
Two good choices is my worst-case scenario.
But a decision had to be made and quickly I made it, because that’s what I do, I rush important decisions.
I took it.
And my life changed in that moment, I chose to walk down a path that looked so different than the one I was on before. This is where my calling will be tested, because I can’t navigate this path coasting on ability. No, this is where I will have to depend on God.
This path might be lonelier; it sure feels like that so far. It feels like I’m giving up a lot. But it also feels like God is teaching me something, like he is getting ready to speak but he needs to get me alone first. More on that at a different time.
I may have been crazy to leave something so good and so fitting for something nearly impossible, but life is much too short to waste your time with the safe decisions. God can and will teach me in this season just like he has faithfully done in others. God still is actively at work in my life.
The path might be rockier and more exhausting, and it might feel like I’m hiking alone sometimes but I am going to keep fixing my eyes on Jesus.
The loneliness feels like a heavy burden to bear, almost too heavy to keep moving forward but God is there and he is still speaking. I am trudging and confused, tired, swirling, but I am still standing.
For now, all I can hope for is that I can catch a much-needed respite from these five-minute meetings.